Thursday, September 8, 2016
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
7 Sex Mistakes Men Make
Men may turn on like a light, but for women, arousal doesn’t happen so fast, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, PhD.
Pave the way during the day by hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Have some fun together, and show you appreciate her.
Feeling safe and secure in the relationship is key for a woman to really let loose during sex, Kerner says. A long hug can go further than you’d think. “Hugging for 30 seconds stimulates oxytocin, the hormone in women that creates [a] sense of connection and trust.”
Mistake 2: Assume You Know What She Wants
“Just as many women are faking orgasm today as 20 or 30 years ago,” Kerner says. So, if she’s not enjoying herself, you might not know it.
Don't be afraid to ask questions like “How does this feel?” or “Do you want something different?”
In other words, ask for directions.
Mistake 3: Stick to Your Plan
Don't think that "if it worked the first three times, it will work the next three times," says sex therapist Sari Cooper, LCSW.
What turns her on may depend on her mood, and where she is in her monthly cycle. “Perhaps her nipples are more sensitive or her genitals are less tingly,” Cooper adds.
Pay attention to your partner, says psychologist Lonnie Barbach, PhD. “Try different things and see how she responds.”
When you find something that works, linger on it. Women often complain that men move on to the next thing just as they really start to enjoy an activity.
Mistake 4: Keep It Strictly Physical
Expand your idea of foreplay. Some men "focus on physical stimulation and often ignore mental stimulation,” Kerner says.
While men get stirred up by what they see, “women fantasize a lot during sex as part of [the] process of arousal.” Join in -- share a fantasy or a sexy memory.
7 real reasons some guys can't orgasm
1. He's super drunk. Whiskey dick is real.On the one hand, you're pretty much guaranteed that he's going to last long enough. But, on the other hand, he's going to last forever. If he's so drunk, he's slurring his speech and falling asleep, he might not be able to perform. But it isn't always that obvious. He doesn't have to be drunk out of his mind to have the alcohol affect his penis. He'll have to sleep it off.
2. He's stressed. Stress can be a major boner killer. And it's not exactly something twentysomething guys think to look out for. But if he's had a rough few weeks at home, or he's dealing with major issues, it can absolutely affect his performance. He could even be freaked out about the performance itself. Maybe he's so worried about impressing you he basically gave himself the sex yips. In cases like these, just try and get him to relax, and take it easy.
3. He's got a pre-existing medical condition he isn't volunteering. There are obvious conditions, like a history of erectile dysfunction*, but a variety of other conditions can impact his penis: heart disease, diabetes, MS. Even certain surgeries can wind up affecting his ability to get erections. There's no immediate solution here without getting a doctor involved.
*It's important to note that erectile dysfunction isn't a problem in and of itself. That is, you don't just "get" erectile dysfunction. A variety of other issues can lead to it, but it doesn't just happen on its own.
4. He, uh, prepped for this a little too hard. He could've been really nervous and masturbated a few times beforehand to make sure he'd have some stamina. But unfortunately, he left nothing in the tank. His plan backfired, and now his penis has nothing left.
5. He's holding off to show off. This guy just thinks you're into it. When you can't have anymore orgasms (or you just have other things to do), let him know you want him to come. If that still doesn't do the trick, be more firm about it. If he still thinks he's a sex god for breaking records even if you're not into it anymore, tell him he has five minutes to come or you're leaving.
6. His penis has very specific needs. Penises, just like people, are creatures of habit. If he masturbates a certain way, or at a specific speed, his penis could be so used to it that it's not finding what you're doing as stimulating (it's commonly referred to as a "death grip"). Either he grips his penis way too tight or at an angle, or stimulates the head of his penis in a way a vagina never could.
It's also possible he's just gotten used to certain positions or angles in much the same way. In these instances, he needs to dial it way down on the jerking off when you aren't around. Or, you can just swap to his favourite position when it's time.
7. He's on new meds. If he recently switched medications for whatever reason, and he swears he's never had this problem before, there's a good chance this is the culprit. There are countless medications with countless side effects, and having trouble with erections is a pretty common one. Even if he's positive his new meds are the reason behind his performance issues, he should talk to a doctor before changing over or stopping his usage. His overall health should come before his orgasm. And, of course, even over the counter medicine can affect him down there.
10 tiny things he hopes you don't notice him doing during sex
He's really hoping you didn't hear that weird moan, because if you did, you'd never have sex with him again.1. When he wipes some snot off his nose. Missionary is a terrible time for his nose to be running. The only thing worse than getting caught rubbing snot onto his arm is having his snot drip onto you. He's going to try and do it while you eyes are closed. If you're one of those people who loves eye-contact during sex, though, well ... get ready to get snot drip-fed to you.
2. When he tucks some embarrassing mess farther under the bed with his foot. You know that amazingly weird position he pulled out of nowhere, but he was so enthusiastic about that it actually ended up working? His primary motivation wasn't your pleasure, it was keeping you distracted long enough to sweep some dust bunnies under his bed that he spotted mid-coitus. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you this.
3. When he glances at the clock. It happens, and rest assured that checking the time is a force of habit, it has no bearing on you or your performance. If anything, he's making sure he's stayed in it long enough to stop thinking about baseball and finally let himself orgasm.
5. When he zones out momentarily. You can zone out anywhere at any time. Hopefully you were too deeply embedded in the throes of passion to realise his eyes glossed over for a second while he daydreamed.
6. When he checks his phone. It's not like he'll pick it up to check Snapchat while you're going at it, but maybe he got an alert and curiosity got the better of him. Maybe he can't focus on sex because he's worried his mum texted him horrible news about Grandpa. Or maybe he's just nervous he's going to miss out on an amazing waiver wire pickup.
8. When he checks himself out in the mirror. The only reason this gets a bad rap is because this happens in American Psycho immediately before the chainsaw double-murder. I guess also because it's douchey.
10. When some kind of weird moan noise escapes his mouth. He's in the middle of amazing sex, and all of the sudden he makes a noise like a purring cat crossed with a lawnmower breaking down but it's also sort of a high-pitched moan ... somehow all at once. It's like a "hughhhhmmmuhhhh...." and he's hoping you didn't hear that, because if you did, you'd never have sex with him again.
Here's how long sex should last for a lady's maximum enjoyment
Let's talk about sex, baby! (Because, really, what else did you come to Cosmo to talk about? Besides physics and the answer to world peace.)
Over at GQ they're trying to answer the question: How long should sex last? Especially for a woman's enjoyment? (They're doing the Lord's work.)
They point to a 2015 Journal of Sexual Medicine study that found the median length of intercourse was 5.4 minutes. So I guess that's that? Wrong! There's other research that found medians of up to 7.5 minutes according to Rachel Hills, author of The Sex Myth. (Unfortunately, both studies only looked at heterosexual couples, and so they're far from complete.)
It should be noted that the stats don't include foreplay, which as many (all?) people will tell you, is as crucial, if not more crucial, to sexual enjoyment. A 2004 study published in theJournal of Sex Research found that study participants enjoyed 11-13 minutes of foreplay followed by 7-8 minutes of intercourse. That's pretty good, but not as good as what the participants wanted: double the time for the sex! So, maybe it's that women want a good amount of foreplay and then an additional 14-16 minutes of doing the deed. Does that sound doable, people having sex with ladies? I think it does!
The answer to longer sex? Sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First, says foreplay.
"I always encourage couples to engage in as much outercourse as possible before intercourse," he told SELF magazine. "The more outercourse you engage in, hopefully the higher your level of arousal and the closer you get to orgasm" before you move on to the main event, whatever your main event may be.
The article/common sense notes that the best way to have sex that lasts longer— and sex that's more enjoyable! Which is probably the most important thing! — is to get out of your head and just get into the moment with your partner.
12 things you need to know if you can't orgasm
If you're not trying to get pregnant, then reaching climax is typically the end goal of sex for both parties. Which makes sense! But even this mindset, egalitarian as it may seem, comes with its own set of problems. On the one hand, focusing so intently on the, uh, "destination" can often mean forgetting to enjoy the journey. And on the other hand, far too many women have never reached an orgasm with a partner or at all, so what does this orgasm-centric outlook mean for their sex lives?
On the Cosmo Happy Hour podcast, Cosmopolitan.com editor Elisa Benson discusses the sometimes-taboo topic of the female orgasm with features editor — and former sex and relationships editor — Emma Barker. The editors are joined by Lisa, 27, a woman who has never had an orgasm, family medicine physician and clinical sexologist Dr. Rachael Ross, and sex therapist Vanessa Marin.
1. Some women, like Lisa, just never orgasm — period. "We did a big piece on this on Cosmopolitan.com a few years ago, called 'The Orgasm Deficit' that was talking about this issue," Benson says. "One of the additional things we explore in the piece [...] is that women who are with partners, maybe they can get off on their own, but never with their partner." Asurvey published in the April 2015 issue of Cosmopolitan mirrored these findings: 8 percent of women between the ages of 25 and 29 reported having never had an orgasm, compared to 16 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds.
2. There's still a lot we don't know, and the lack of research on the matter could be partly to blame. "Doctors are like, 'Is it life-threatening?" Barker says. And, since it's not, physicians don't always have the answers women are looking for. And that's why women turn to Cosmo. "This kind of research takes a lot of money and a lot of time," Barker adds — time and money that some doctors might rather use on research that will earn them more widespread recognition and have (what seems to them) a wider impact on the world. The lack of readily available information also contributes to a feeling of isolation, where women are nervous to seek the resources they need. But how about inventing a cream that would make women orgasm every time? "That would save lives," Benson jokes.
3. No, not every woman who can't orgasm feels like it's the end of the world. "At this point, it's kind of normal. I don't really expect it or think it's going to happen," Lisa says. "I still have sex, I enjoy having sex."
4. A lot of women fake it, for a lot of different reasons. Sadly, 67 percent of respondents in the April 2015 survey admitted to having faked an orgasm. Of these women, 97 percent did it to spare their partners' feelings, to end sex more quickly, or both. Lisa has never pretended to orgasm, but she does need to stop overzealous men from time to time. "Sometimes, the guys kind of think it's like a challenge," she says. "Then it's, like, two hours, and I'm like, 'OK, it's just not going to happen.'"
5. Sex can still be amazing without an orgasm. "It's just not something that I really feel is missing in my life," Lisa says. "It's normal, I don't go out of my way to make it happen." She also doesn't feel the need to masturbate, because not being able to orgasm just doesn't feel like a problem to her. Dr. Ross agrees: She often tells patients that "orgasms are overrated." Some women will just never reach the big O — you can still enjoy sex, just like Lisa does.
6. Your orgasm (or lack thereof) can be affected by a lot of different factors. "Whether it's a mental, emotional, even a physical problem, the point is there isn't anything 'wrong' with you that can't be fixed," Benson says. Not reaching orgasm is an issue for many women and doesn't mean they will never reach an orgasm. One common mistake is to focus so much on having an orgasm that you forget to enjoy the process. This will have the opposite effect and probably prevent you from finishing, according to Dr. Ross and ... well, women everywhere.
7. If you don't already, you should try masturbating, because knowing your body — and your clit — will make you that much more likely to orgasm with a partner. If clitoral stimulation alone doesn't work, you can also try turning onto your stomach for added arousal, or consider purchasing a vibrator. It's all about trial and error.
8. Communication is key to getting off. Direct your partner with precise instructions: "Guys actually love to be directed, I mean, if you can tell them what to do, you are winning and you're scoring," Dr. Ross says. "If you can't get your mouth to say it, pull them toward you, move them to where you want them to be," she adds. Misinformation about the female orgasm can also make it a lot more difficult to climax with a partner. "We don't talk about female orgasm very openly in our society," Marin says. "There are a lot of guys out there who are well-intentioned and want to be good partners, and they have a lot of misinformation too. Or you know, they may have had partners in the past who always faked it, so they think that they're doing things right."
your lowered sex drive, Dr. Ross recommends turning to an integrative medicine doctor "who can use more of natural substances to help you with your depression and wean you off of the medication." It's all about finding the right method for you.
10. Don't be afraid to consult a sex therapist. How do you know when it's time to reach out for professional help? Dr. Ross weighs in: "With the orgasm thing, when it comes to the point where it has consumed pretty much all of your sex life, if it's consuming your thoughts, [...] you really need to seek help first of all for reassurance."
11. But you don't have to see a therapist IRL. There are programs like Marin's Finishing School available online, so you can learn all about reaching your climax without ever setting foot outside. "I can definitely appreciate that going into an office and talking to a total stranger about the most intimate details of your life is pretty intimidating," Marin says. You could also give apps like OMGYES a try. Even Emma Watson is a fan of this "online learning tool," which comes with interactive demos and videos that show you exactly how to get yourself off.
12. You can have control over your orgasm. Marin cites "a belief that orgasm should just happen by itself" as a common thread among women who have difficulty climaxing. "A lot of women out there think that orgasm is like sneezing — your body just inherently knows how to do it and it just does it without any intervention," Marin says. "Orgasm is like a skill. It's something that you have to learn, you have to practice, you have to figure out how it works. [...] If you're having a hard time orgasming, it's definitely not that anything is wrong with you or that you'll never be able to orgasm, it's just that you have to give yourself the opportunity to learn."
Straight women explain why they like watching lesbian porn
"It is extremely hard for me to find anything that is a man and woman and isn't extremely degrading."
In the past couple years, lesbian porn has emerged as a popular search term for millennial women. It's the most sought category for Pornhub's female viewers, and of 4,000 readerssurveyed by Cosmopolitan.com in 2014, 84% of straight women had watched lesbian porn, and 20.3% preferred it. We reached out to straight women who watch lesbian porn to see what draws them to the genre, and how it impacts their sexuality.
How old are you?
Woman A: 28-ish. (29 in three weeks!)
Woman B: I am 18
Woman C: 21
What's your relationship status?
Woman A: I am in an exclusive but undefined relationship with a dude.
Woman B: Single
Woman C: Single
When did you start watching porn?
Woman A: I don't remember the first time, but probably about 4 or 5 years ago. It started with sexy tumblr GIFs and morphed into the occasional full porn video.
Woman B: When I was about 11.
Woman C: Around 14 or 15.
What medium of porn do you use? Video, pictures, literotica?
Woman A: Video or erotica, sometimes both!
Woman B: I watch videos mainly, I enjoy reading erotica online too.
Woman C: Video.
Do you have a favourite site?
Woman A: I don't have a favourite site, but from what I gather from internet searches, Pornhub. rules the world.
Woman B: N/A
Woman C: Usually Pornhub.
When did you start watching lesbian porn?
Woman A: When I started watching real porn (not just GIFs).
Woman B: When I was 11, the first porn I watched was lesbian.
Woman C: Shortly after starting watching it at all!
What is it that attracts you to lesbian porn?
Woman A: Lesbian porn is much sexier to me because it tends to be less aggressive, more relatable (very vagina-focused and not all about the d, obviously), and "softer" in some senses. I'm not at all interested in watching men come all over women or anything like that.
Woman B: It's a lot more tender and romantic than straight porn. Straight porn tends to focus on the man's pleasure, but with lesbian porn it is solely the women's pleasure.
Woman C: Basically, it is extremely hard for me to find anything that is a man and woman and isn't extremely degrading and/or violent to the women involved. I always try to look for the most soft-core stuff, but there's so little of it that I'm actually into and don't just feel uncomfortable watching.
Is there a particular genre of lesbian porn you prefer?
Woman A: Not necessarily, but I like seeing curvier women, or women that aren't super bleach blonde Jenna Jameson types.
Woman B: Not really, however I would much rather watch anal porn with lesbians then a man and a woman.
Woman C: Not really!
Did this porn preference cause you to question your sexuality at all?
Woman A: Not really, because I think it's pretty obvious why some straight women prefer lesbian porn to uncomfortable and potentially offensive straight-people porn.
Woman B: In a way, I like both lesbian and straight porn though, so it can be quite confusing.
Woman C: Yes! Especially when I first watched it, but I've since realised that I'm not sexually attracted to women in real life... Don't get me wrong, I totally have "girl crushes" on celebs but I've never actually seen a woman who I thought "I want to have sex with her."
Have you ever had sex with another woman?
Woman A: I have not.
Woman B: I've never had sex with a woman, but I would like to.
Woman C: Nope.
Do you exclusively watch lesbian porn, or do you mix it up?
Woman A: I mix it up! Sometimes I like to watch straight porn, or threesomes.
Woman B: I like to mix it up. Because I would rather have sex with a guy, watching straight porn allows me to picture myself more within it.
Woman C: Mix it up, but like I said I honestly have a hard time finding heterosexual stuff that does the job for me.
Have you told your friends that you enjoy lesbian porn? What's their reaction?
Woman A: I haven't distinctly, but my best friend and I have discussed how it makes more sense for me (and maybe her) to enjoy.
Woman B: Yes I have told my friends, some of them agree and some are interested by it but haven't watched it.
Woman C: No, but it's less because of the lesbian aspect and more just the porn? I think it's really stigmatised among women.
Have you told your partners that you enjoy lesbian porn? What's their reaction?
Woman A: Nope.
Woman B: No I haven't, I'm actually a virgin so it can be confusing, as I don't actually know what I like within sex.
Woman C: Not yet.
Has watching lesbian porn changed how you approach sex with your partner? How?
Woman A: Not to my distinct knowledge, but it might have! I feel like I enjoy sex more and am better at it now, but that might be a "practice makes perfect" thing, and not a direct connection to lesbian porn.
Woman B: N/a
Woman C: I'm just not into pain or super aggressive sex, which aligns with the reason I watch what I do.
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